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Recently, out of the blue, Mr. Alex Fancypants got in touch with me. It was awesome to hear from him, and to hear all of his news. So, here are some pictures for Alex and for those who do not have MySpace. I have been neglecting my Journal, and have been spending way too much time on the other. So, I promise [to try] to keep up with this thing. Love to all. Brianna


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


This was a fun day! This was about two weeks ago before puppy ran away. Chloe wasn't sure about the water at first...but as you can see, she thoroughly enjoyed it! She's such a doll.
I'm feeling rather...:
sleepy sleepy
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<td align="center"> venus cloacina --
[adjective]:

Tastes like fried chicken

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>
I'm feeling rather...:
amused amused
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harold
I am Harold, from "Harold and Maude." I'm
a sensitive, but...weird...soul.


Which Random Cult Movie Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

and you know he had a jaguar turned into a hearse, then drove it off a cliff! he was a bad ass that really liked his lovers to be a lot older....hmmm...i guess we're not that different! just kidding mike i love you!
I'm feeling rather...:
amused amused
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Today was really great.
I got out of bed really late because my alarm clock has broken and I cannot afford a new one at the moment.

I feel a bit strange because we've just moved to Idaho and there's a weird smell in the house.

I'm so happy. I just found out that I have been accepted into Harvard. And Yale. I don't know which to choose... oh, why is life so hard sometimes?

Last night I had to finish my term paper on the history of pre-communist Russian society. I focussed on the needs of women. I think it's ok, but if I don't pass this I'll lose my scholarship.

I want to tell the world that I love you all! You're all so special to me!

I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! here's ten thousand photos of my toilet!

I want to say thanks to the academy for giving me this award.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, which makes me different enough to be interesting, but the same as all the other cool people with bipolar disorder.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you next week's lottery numbers.

this is a really lame quiz thingy i stole from stephie. you had me going there for a minute!

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.

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I'm feeling rather...:
indescribable indescribable
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yeah so friday night was very refreshing and a lot of fun. it was my daughter's first birthday party and i am so new at this. i tried to split it up into two party's but working as much as i do on top of my goth-awful plannig skills, i ended up only having one with only people i adore. it was really awkward because...well it was a party for a one year old...i've never been to a party like that, so i wasn't sure how it was going to go down. you can drink at these party's, but not too much because there's a baby. limit is one or two glasses of wine or champagne. i really don't know how much i drank because mike only fixed me two glasses, but everytime i went in the kitchen for something i would top myself off...which was a mistake. i was getting real foggy there for a second---i'm such a light weight now---and had to stop myself from drinking anymore. then it's not like you could have activities because...it's a party for a one year old who only finds pleasure on chewing on different textures of the world (i.g. the wall). she's too young to realize what's really going on. plus she was going through severe sensory overload. i felt bad because she would just start crying at everyone, and it's not because she doesn't like you, it's because she has the attention span of a monkey on crack and was sleepy on top of that. it was soooo good seeing everyone. and i'm sure i acted a little weird and it was because i was so excited to see everyone and since i don't really do too much anymore i'm am socially retarded now. i was so uncomfortable in my own skin because myself esteem has been kicking my ass that i think i changed like 8 times. i felt goofy for that too. stephie's little sister looked at me like i was completely nuts! maybe i am...heehee! so i want to thank everyone for coming, and i hope you all had a good time!
I'm feeling rather...:
thankful thankful
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haven't updated in awhile, just want to say things are ok. busy and stressful, but i'm hanging in there. i miss everyone! just a reminder!! chloe's b-day party is really soon and if you guys can email addresses to me i will mail formal invitations. and any help will be welcomed because these days i barely have time to take a shower, but in order not to smell funny i squeeze one in. so, everyone have nothing short of an awesome day....and maybe drop a line...plus soma star...call me during the day anytime this week...more news for you!!! yay!! by the way, i check myspace more ofen than lj anymore...so if you got one post it like it's going out of style!!
I'm feeling rather...:
sleepy sleepy
Current Music:
mexican radio---don't ask
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well, i know it's been a long, long time, but i'm in need of some advice. i thought the plan was pretty clear and i thought i had finally made up my mind, but yet again i feel at a loss. in december our lease is up. i have made no and i mean no preparations thus far on moving. i know i want to move out of this area so i was thinking savannah would be cool, but a friend of mine went to take a bunch of pics of it and explained to me that the crime rate was second to new orleans. which new orleans is all fine and great i just don't know if that's where i want to raise my child. anyway, it's still in the drawing though. then mike had an interest to moving to charleston south carolina, which is really pretty and about the same as savannah. but i was thinking since my mom was really sick and that i want my mom to be a part of chloe's life i wanted to move back to louisiana (although i enjoy actually having a winter). so i tossed that idea around. i thought i definitely do not want to move to opelousas. then i thought although i really liked living in lafayette (even though it is a little hazy at times), there is just way too much water under the bridge for me there, and too many people that would like to see me in pain...not really...just a lot of sour ties. then i thought i don't want to live in baton rouge, and i don't want to live in new orleans, but when i told my mom that i was thinking about it she got all excited, so i can't let her down. so i was thinking about lake charles which is an hour away from my mom (as opposed to 10 hours). i really haven't ever been there longer than an hour or two when i was a lot younger, so i don't really know anything about it than what my mom told me--cleaner version of lafayette, with a higher economy. but scotland told me i'd hate it, and i figure since i've known him for a long time he'd know. so now the question is...what the hell do i do? i want to build my own city with everyone i like to live there...where everything's free and clean. my own utopian society...what should i do?
I'm feeling rather...:
stressed stressed
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Really Long Survey (over 200)

Created by starsbleed2nite and taken 43897 times on bzoink!

What is your name?brianna barron
Are you named after anyone?uh...a character from a romance novel my mom was reading while she was pregnant.
What's your screename?venus_cloacina
Would you name a child of yours after you?nope...i named her chloe...kinda after cloacina, but not really
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?probably brian
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?she's not really a friend...in fact i just knew her name...angelle blood
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?oh god all the time...my favorite is i got employee of the month at a ghetto grocery store and the name they put on the certificate was "britania"...i dunno.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?as a porn star...just for the name though
Basics
Your gender:female
Straight/Gay/Bi:straight
Single?no
If not, do you want to be?no i have never been happier
Birthdate:6/7/82
Your age:22
Age you act:43
Age you wish you were:22
Your height:5'11"
Eye color:light brown
Happy with it?i guess
Hair color:red at the moment
Happy with it?yes
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:i'm amphebious
Your living arrangement:with the man i love, a brand new baby, an awesome-really hot-roommate & her 2 cats in a very tiny apartment--it's all cozy
Your family:yes...::get's all fuzzy inside:: i have a little family now
Have any pets?my roomie's two cats that are both completely insane
Whats your job?unemployed at the moment
Piercings?6
Tattoos?5
Obsessions?hmmmmm...
Addictions?coffee, cigarettes, and good lovin'
Do you speak another language?ebonics
Have a favorite quote?"three may keep a secret if two were dead"
Do you have a webpage?nope
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?not as much as i'd like
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?a little too much sometimes
Do you have any secrets?i'm not telling
Do you hate yourself?unfortunately
Do you like your handwriting?sometimes
Do you have any bad habits?everything i do
What is the compliment you get from most people?that i'm awesome
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?no one would care enough to make a movie about me
What's your biggest fear?actually i am scared of a lot of things...but my new biggest fear is that i am going to damage my baby somehow.
Can you sing?in my car...by myself
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?heehee...i'm way too cool to do something like that
Are you a loner?hmmmm...lately
What are your #1 priorities in life?finding personal happiness and my baby
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?hells yeahs
Are you a daredevil?not at all...
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?fear not really, but i pretty much hate everything about myself
Are you passive or agressive?a little of both
Do you have a journal?hmmmm...
What is your greatest strength and weakness?i am a really good friend(or try to be)/i am the most unmotivated person ever
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?i would have some sort of drive
Do you think you are emotionally strong?yes
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?i need to go to school and i will regret it if i don't
Do you think life has been good so far?yes and no
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?not to have unprotected sex, and not to walk outside during a lightning storm
What do you like the most about your body?my eyes
And least?everything else
Do you think you are good looking?oh my goth, i have the worst self-esteem so i'm not going to answer this one
Are you confident?sometimes
What is the fictional character you are most like?hmmm...that's a good question
Are you perceived wrongly?yeah...
Do You...
Smoke?too much
Do drugs?no
Read the newspaper?no
Pray?sometimes
Go to church?no
Talk to strangers who IM you?not really
Sleep with stuffed animals?sometimes
Take walks in the rain?yes...i love the rain
Talk to people even though you hate them?i try not to, but i'm always polite
Drive?yes! it's so nice after three weeks of not driving too!
Like to drive fast?yes...but i have a baby now
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?yes
Hurt yourself?yes
Been out of the country?no
Eaten something that made other people sick?not sure
Been in love?i am in love
Done drugs?yes
Gone skinny dipping?yes
Had a medical emergency?yes
Had surgery?a c-section
Ran away from home?too chicken to
Played strip poker?ewww...no
Gotten beaten up?yeah scotland beat me up
Beaten someone up?no
Been picked on?oh god my entire life
Been on stage?actually a lot when i was younger...i fell off of a stage too...heehee
Slept outdoors?yes
Thought about suicide?hmmmm...yes
Pulled an all nighter?yes
If yes, what is your record?hmmmm...it all kind of blends together, mamybe three days
Gone one day without food?yep
Talked on the phone all night?yes
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?yes
Slept all day?no i would feel too guilty
Killed someone?i hope not
Made out with a stranger?yes...a punk rocker who was really dirty and i was really drunk in new orleans when i was 17
Had sex with a stranger?no
Thought you're going crazy?i am crazy
Kissed the same sex?yes
Done anything sexual with the same sex?hmmmm...
Been betrayed?yes
Had a dream that came true?yes
Broken the law?i got caught dumpster diving by a cop...nothing happened though
Met a famous person?i met eddie vedder...the guy that plays "Q" on star trek and i saw harrison ford in new york
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?yes and i'm in theropy for it
On purpose?no ::crys uncontrollably::
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?probably
Stolen anything?yes
Been on radio/tv?i was on tv when i was 9--don't remember why
Been in a mosh-pit?yes
Had a nervous breakdown?am having a nervous breakdown
Bungee jumped?nooooooooooo
Had a dream that kept coming back?too many
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?i'd like to think so, but i don't
Miracles?sure
Astrology?eh, not really
Magic?like pulling a bunny out of a hat? no
God?yes
Satan?yes
Santa?well he based off of a real person, but no
Ghosts?not really ghosts but spirits
Luck?no
Love at first sight?no
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?yes
Witches?no
Easter bunny?no
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?it's hard to imagine, but i don't see why not
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?i'd really like to
Do you wish on stars?::blushes:: sometimes
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?somewhat...but i'd like to think there's a grey area too
Do you think God has a gender?no
Do you believe in organized religion?no
Where do you think we go when we die?i'll find out when it happens
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?yes
Who is your best friend?scotland and mike
Who's the one person that knows most about you?scotland and mike--i know it says one but i say two
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?not to take things so seriously
Your favourite inside joke?
Thing you're picked on most about?being kind of dense somtimes
Who's your longest known friend?scotland
Newest?shahara
Shyest?mike
Funniest?stephanie and scotland
Sweetest?sally
Closest?scotland
Weirdest?all of them
Smartest?mike
Ditziest?not going there
Friends you miss being close to the most?scotland
Last person you talked to online?
Who do you talk to most online?
Who are you on the phone with most?scotland and my mom
Who do you trust most?mike and scotland
Who listens to your problems?oh gawd everyone these days...all i do is talk about my problems
Who do you fight most with?
Who's the nicest?mike
Who's the most outgoing?stephie and scotland
Who's the best singer?mrs. v
Who's on your shit-list?
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?no...except one that is my boyfriend
Who's your second family?my friends
Do you always feel understood?never
Who's the loudest friend?shahara
Do you trust others easily?yes
Who's house were you last at?oh gawd...i've been stuck in here for the past four weeks....joe and victoria's house
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:mike
Do your friends know you?more or less
Friend that lives farthest away:scotland
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?not a mistake...an accident
What do you find romantic?hmmm...sex
Turn-on?hmmm...sex
Turn-off?wearing socks during sex
First kiss?i was 4
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?hmmmm...guilty
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or goingno cause what's the fun in that?
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy outi have always asked guys out
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractivyes...but i have no room to judge
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?i don't know
What is best about the opposite sex?that they are the opposite sex...
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?i dunno
What's the last present someone gave you?a baby
Are you in love?yes
Do you consider your significant other hot?ooooh yeah
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?erick
You wanted to kill?erick
That you laughed at?mike
That laughed at you?mike
That turned you on?mike
You went shopping with?mike
That broke your heart?chris
To disappoint you?chris
To ask you out?mike
To make you cry?chloe...lack of sleep and she's still crying
To brighten up your day?just about anyone i come in contact with because it was rare that i had human contact for a while there
That you thought about?chloe
You saw a movie with?mike
You talked to on the phone?mike's sister
You talked to through IM/ICQ?
You saw?chloe
You lost?
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?eventually
Will it be with your significant other?yes definately
Or some random person?there will be random people anywhere you go
What are you wearing right now?clothes
Body part you're touching right now:my butt
What are you worried about right now?why chole is fussy
What book are you reading?baby's first year week by week
What's on your mousepad?it's a book
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:entertained, exhausted, happy, relieved--i just went to potty--, anxious--i need a cigarette
Are you bored?not really
Are you tired?extremely
Are you talking to anyone online?
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?no
Are you lonely or content?right now content...but lonely a lot
Are you listening to music?no

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

I'm feeling rather...:
accomplished accomplished
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well it looks like i finally had the kid. labor was as mike puts it "pure unadulterated hell" not only was i in labor for 36 hours, and had to push for an hour and a half i also had to get a c-section that when the doctor started cutting i could actually feel her slicing into me and the blood running down my sides. but all in all the kid is absolutely beautiful. i keep telling people i was half expecting a mucusy, alien looking thing that resembled a human baby, but when they put that little beautiful creature into my arms i was like "are you sure this is mine?" i have decided (not that i planned this one) i am never having another kid...ever. she's beautiful and a bundle of bodily functions, but the fear and paranoia that comes with this job is super hard to deal with. the first thing i said when i came out of the anesthesia after the c-section was that i thought i was a failure because i couldn't push her out naturally, but mike had to tell me that toward the end when he saw her head descending, that everytime i pushed her heartbeat would drop, and it was because the umbilical cord wad wrapped around her neck, not because i was a failure. now she's 12 days old and giving me a run for my money. the doctor said she was advanced..i mean trying to crawl at 7 days old...that's freaking phenomenal. she's super demanding and it gets really hard to keep a straight head sometimes, especially after no sleep and she's screaming at the top of her little lungs for no reason, just to exercise them, but of course i don't know that. we bought her a swing...she lives in that thing. i got so overwhelmed last night that i asked mike if we could return this model for the less noisy, less demanding version. he said no. i think another thing is since i'm not allowed to do anything...i mean anything because my incision came open about less than an inch on one side...and it's an open wound--that has to be stuffed with gauze two or more times a day depending on how much it's oozing--i think that's taking a toll on me. because i look out the window and see how fucking beautiful it is outside and i can't go anywhere or do anything except go to the doctor until it's healed...and i whimper. anyway...my time is no longer mine. and i have to beckon her every call. the good thing is...is this stage doesn't last as long as it seems. just a few more weeks and she'll be able to sleep through the night...which means i can sleep through the night which means...it'll be a little easier. thanks for all of the support everyone has shown me. it means the world to me.
I'm feeling rather...:
exhausted exhausted
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...all of the beautiful colors of the very, very meaningful."

yeah so i am seven weeks and counting. i am as big as a house. i have an almost perfect basketball size belly-maybe a little larger-and a fat moon face to accommodate. i'm looking like i'm about to burst. it's kinda funny how much one's perspective can change. many things effect perception...like a difference in opinion, a healthy debate, change of scenery, a couple of drinks, drugs, media, society...all of these things effect perception...but having a child...for me, anyway...has changed my perception dramatically. i used to be worried about what people thought about me to the point that i would obsess about the smallest incidents of silly things i did and turn them into capitol offenses. now...i just don't care. because with all of the support i've gotten i have also gotten some of the most horrible, useless, inconsiderate, and completely ignorant things said to me. with that being said i can honestly say that no matter what one does with their life someone's got something to say about it. all i can do is take it for a grain of salt. even when the salt adds up to an ocean the only opinions i really care about are the one's of people that know me well--or that i know well. even though i've been a recluse ever since i started to really show...i don't feel alone. i have some of the best friends that anyone could ask for. yeah i do feel lonely because of my self inflicted house arrest...i don't ever feel alone. my boyfriend is the most awesome human being in the entire world--just thought i'd throw that in. anyway...i am planning a little party for whenever chloe makes her grand---and excruciatingly painful--entrance into this world (sigh...my first beer in almost ten months) and i will keep everyone posted. i'm thinking the highlander. i'm gonna get my fat ass to sleep now.
I'm feeling rather...:
relaxed relaxed
Current Music:
the counting crows
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yeah..so..haven't been up to too much. i had been catching up on my movie watching...which back in the day i used to be the person to ask about movies because i had always seen them before anyone else...and now i'm kinda...ok very behind.
i finally saw cold mountain. it was really good--really long--and i was pleasently surprised that the cast rocked. although i am not a huge fan of nicole kidman--i really like jude law though(he's pretty ::blushes::)--i thought she was amazing. and who know jack white would've had such a big part? that made me happy. it brings up a lot of issues though about the change in history and other things too deep to delve into at this moment in time.
then i saw...uh...butterfly effect. i have the deepest hatred for the person that thought up the idea for the movie. granted though i watched the directors cut...didn't see the one that was one the big screen...which i hear he actually lives in that version. but basically the point of the directors cut is "when things are getting really bad for you and the times you hurt the ones you love...then you shouldn't have been born in the first place because you are probably the cause for everyone's pain and anguish, but don't just kill yourself...make sure you were never born so your presence won't taint the innocent world around you." it's like everyone knows "it's a wonderful life" well you were wrong!! it isn't!! "it's not a wonderful life" dammit.
let's see i saw mystic river. which was really good. not the "feel-good" movie of the year, but i really liked it. although can't really take sean penn all that seriously after "i am sam" (which another movie that's kinda good, just makes you want to slit you wrists at one point)...i was just expecting him to show up in a starbucks apron a couple of times. but all in all i really enjoyed it.
ok for all of the gary olman fans out there...two movies that have gary olman in it that you wouldn't expect...nobody's baby...which i saw a long time ago, but it's phenominal because i would have had no clue it was gary olman if the box didn't say he was in it. did you ever want to see him line dance? well here's your chance. he's really awesome in that move...but unfortunately he was it's saving grace...because if anyone else would have played that character, i wouldn't recommend it to anyone. ok and the one i saw last night was called tiptoes. gary olman plays a dwarf. that's why i rented it. the cast is really strange...hottie, kate beckinsale (which if you saw van hellsing, i'm sorry, that movie was incrediably horrible...possibly the most cliche, unentertaining movie i have ever seen), matthew mcconaughey (who plays the same "egomaniac that can't handle anything" character that he always plays in every movie--except frailty, which i really liked him in), patricia arquette, and a whole bunch of little people. there was one scene that was like "my big fat greek wedding" only "my little tiny dwarf get-together". it's really depressing, but cute all at the same time...and this movie once again proves that gary olman is a really talented actor...don't you just want to hold him? oooooh, did anyone see the new harry potter...gary olman is in that too.
i've rented a couple of other movies that i'm curious about. any suggestions from anyone?
I'm feeling rather...:
restless restless
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enough by the dance hall crashers


"it began with a mistake, i didn't know what was at stake
i realize i was to blame, i just want things to be the same.
i'll be the first to apologize and i know these things take time
think of you and i see red, although you were alright in bed.
it's not that we don't get along, it's just that you were always wrong
atleast you could pretend that i was right in the end.
don't hold this over my head, let's enough's been said.

it's been a long, long time and i've realized my crime
i've tried hard to make amends to avoid a bitter end
i want to leave it up to you, but you never seem to come through
why don't you finish what you start before this whole thing falls apart
you know i'm beginning to think that you drove me to drink
not that i'm placing blame, but you're giving me a bad name
won't you ever let this die, can't you see how hard i try
i guess it's time to say "fuck off", i'm gone after today

enough is enough i know i was to blame i just want it to be the same...
just shut up and make it right."


i have nothing to dedicate this to,
i just had this song stuck in my head...
i've actually had a good last few days...i mostly slept a lot.
but when i wasn't sleeping, i hung out with friends, watched cool movies, saw the cure play for free (which was really awesome), and hung out with my boyfriend who is the most amazing, adorable, sweet person in the whole wide world...and now my days off are gone and i'm back at work...booooo. oh well hopefully next days off wil be just as fun.
I'm feeling rather...:
content content
Current Music:
uh...the dance hall crashers...if that wasn't obvious
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i felt like shit yesterday.
but after taking a walk..sleeping like a stone at the bottom of the ocean for 10 hours and waking up to fill my tummy(and feed chloe), i feel much better. i haven't been awake long enough to think about the impending future. but i think my thoughts are going to be distracted for awhile anyway because i know it's going to be busy as hell at work tonight...which will be good because then it will go quickly and i get to come home to three days to do whatever i will with...which is absolutely nothing. yay. then i will have tons of time to think about all the things that depress me. boo.
with everything getting closer to the finish line it is getting more and more...well scary.
i get my boots this week too!! finally! it's funny...i thought i had 31 bucks to pay for them but with all the bills and shit i'm paying for i fell short and someone loaned me the money to pay for them. it makes me sad because the people i know are buying cool stuff like corsets, boots, cd players, and i can't even afford to buy toothpaste. not that i'm knocking them for buying all of that cool stuff...i just wish i could...sniff sniff. maybe one day when i'm rich and infamous. anyway i will have to put my coolness aside for just a mere three months longer. i am really planning on moving to go to school next june. i figured by the time it takes me to finish school, chloe will be ready to go to school and hopefully by then i will have an established career--since i will be going to one of the most highly accredited art schools in the nation...i better get job placement, anyway--so i can pay for her to go to school...maybe in london. yeah, keep dreaming, i know. i want to accomplish something in this life...and i want chloe to be happy...since she has no choice in who her parents are...or her mom anyway. well...i must scamper on to work before i call out.
I'm feeling rather...:
contemplative contemplative
* * *
i'm not going to complain about how sad i am, or how tired i am, or how poor i am, or how much i hate my job, or how scared i am, or how gross i feel...so i guess i don't have anything to write about.
I'm feeling rather...:
melancholy melancholy
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hmmmm...it's about 7:30am and i am wide freaking awake...which i normally am at this time until about 9:00am when i can actually sleep. but it's my day off and i have a doctors apointment...got shaky nervous and couldn't sleep. i don't know i'm so nervous...except that today they are going to run tons of tests on me and i don't know if i want them too. i mean its for the baby's sake, but still c'mon isn't carrying it for nine months enough?
i'm really sad because my mom is really sick...and yesterday they were going to do surgery on her without even telling her until right before...how twisted is that? it's like exploration surgery to see why she's having so many problems...but still a little warning would be nice. she had a tantrum and of course they can't do something without your consent...or can they?...but they rescheduled for another day. when i talked to her it sounded like she'd been crying...and heavily medicated. i am really worried about her. ever since i moved out she told me that she really wanted grandchildren, and i want her to be happy, healthy, and part of my baby's life. i would be devastated to lose her...but i don't think we are even close to that point to worry about it.
i am really happy because my darling doll boyfriend is awesome...he was all being betty home-maker last night...you know cooking, cleaning and making brownies for stephie and i. it's funny because my alarm keeps going off and he keeps hitting the snooze. i want to buy him and apron that says "kiss the cook" or something lame like that.
plus i talked to a good friend for a while last night about "relationship" drama that he's been having. i miss him. he's so much fun and so awesome to talk to. and then i was actually semi-productive yesterday too... i did laundry and cleaned...kind of...and consolidated all of the boxes in my closet. yay! for boring days off.
well it looks like i have to get ready for "them" to stick me with a bunch of needles and make me drink some nasty thick liquidy stuff. ewwww. it has to be done.
I'm feeling rather...:
awake awake
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i'm definitely not as pissy as i was a few days ago...but i must say i really hate people that think they can talk down to someone because of their age. this ancient fucking tiny dwarf-like lady at work decided once again to make me feel like scum. i don't know if she does it because she's been there longer than me, or if she thinks she's better because of her age...but she needs to stop because i have tried so hard to get where i am today intellectually and emotionally to spoil it on some stupid lady with a superiority complex. she treats me like i have the mentality of a can of carrots. and just because she may be a hundred years older than me does not mean she's smarter than me...not to say that i am the "most intelligent person in the world"...but by the way she seems i have maybe a couple more intelligence points than she does.
i guess talking trash doesn't make me all that intelligent though.
all in all though i have been in a decent mood today...but i really want to go out, get stupid drunk, pass out and not remember what i did. unfortunately that will have to wait. anyway...i think i'll watch a movie and sleep, hopefully i can accomplish something today.
I'm feeling rather...:
blah blah
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yeah...so the mood pendulum right now is swinging more toward the left which is not so good.
i feel so disgusting and useless and uninteresting...i feel just plain terrible. i am not a happy pregnant woman. i had a shitty night at work...well...at times i would forget how stupid i felt and actually feel rather decent...but then some random thought would flash through my skull and remind me how horrible i felt. damn brains...why can't we just shut them off sometimes. i mean really...let me assess why i feel the way i do. i think it all started when i woke up today getting a phone call from my dear sweet mother saying she was in the hospital again...then my self esteem has been kicking my ass lately...and i'm just tired of feeling like shit. i am fat and with child...and scared out of my mind. my finances suck...and i sleep with fleas. although i have great friends and a wonderfully excellent boyfriend...i still feel so alone. like i can't tell people how i feel because i'm such a broken record sometimes...and then by saying it so much it starts to lose its value and then i'm not taken seriously...but i guess that's my fault.i used to feel pretty good...i was finally where i could say that i was cute again then bam! i get pregnant...my worst fear. then i felt interesting because i was always doing something even if it wasn't anything at all...and now i eat, sleep, work, and watch tv, and play on the computer. i used to have a job where i actually did things..even thoug i hated it(because of the drama...not really the job itself)...now i have a job where i sit on my ass, get vexed with my fellow employees to the point where i want to kill them...and smoke...which i hate this job even more because of everything about this job. and either job i didn't get paid the money that i need to exsist happily...but at least at my other job i had a schedule where i could actually do things. and i haven't done any worthwhile art work...i did a collage on an old book case that the fucking kittens just had no problem fucking with. i want to punch something. grrrr...anyway i must go to sleep for i am cranky as hell.
I'm feeling rather...:
pissed off pissed off
Current Music:
the bubbling of my boiling rage
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I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!
I'm feeling rather...:
amused amused
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"i could buy myself a reason...i could sell myself a job...i could hang myself for treason cause all the folks are know are gone"--modest mouse

man all the songs i really like are all really...uh, not all that happy. oh well.

i mean for the most part now i am really happy. i mean yeah i have a human parasite growing inside of me...and let me just say not only is the most terrifying thing... it's also the coolest. especially when i play my hayden cd before i go to sleep and she's all in my tummy bouncing around...or if i'm in my car listening to something with a lot of bass in it...she goes crazy and starts moshing with the sides of my stomach. i hope she's going to be awesome and adorable...you know what fuck that... she will be.
well...lately i have had tons of things on my mind...i mean it's been overwhelming...not necessarily in a bad way...but still it exhausting. things are so preoccupying that my room has become a total war zone...i mean it's just clothes and random things strewn across the thing that used to be my floor...i mean it's not like i have bodies rotting in my closet or take shits on my floor, but honestly it's so bad that it would probably be a hard argument just by looking at it to convince you otherwise. but my dad told me growing up...because i come my messiness honestly--cause he's just as bad if not worse--that my room is an example of what my mind is like. yeah...so i really didn't think twice about it until i noticed how bad it had gotten. so i guess i need to sort through the clothes...and pick up the trash in my mind...then clean my damn room. i kinda giggled though because i noticed i have a suitcase on my floor full of clothes...like i am going somewhere in a hurry....but alas i am staying put...for now anyway. no more vacationing for me for now. sniff sniff.
but apparently some would argue that i've always been that way...yeah i have,in fact worse, but since i live in a nice place now...i have tried to keep it clean, but with no avail.
i don't want chloe to grow up in a crack house like slum...so i am going to make a conscience effort to take care of my shit in my head enough to clean up.
wow this is a really lame post. hahahaha...ok i guess i need to quit talking about it and do something about it. lame. lame. lame.
I'm feeling rather...:
silly silly
Current Music:
modest mouse
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